Last Monday, I turned twenty-nine. I didn't realize this, but apparently this is technically my "last" birthday because I stay twenty-nine for the rest of my life! Well, considering it was my last birthday and all, I had a great day following a great weekend. I spent the previous Saturday celebrating with a bunch of close friends who braved the snow to spend quality time with me. Then on my actual birthday, Peter had the day off and I took the day off, so we went into the city and spent the afternoon at the Museum of Ice Cream, where the photo above was taken. I can honestly say it was a birthday that was nothing short of magical. Let's hope Peter can top it when he plans my 30th!
I then spent two days caring for my 92-year-old grandma in New York while my aunt was on vacation. That time with her was really special, and I'm thankful I was able to do it (as much as I missed Peter while I was away). She tells the best stories, and I enjoyed hearing them, even if they were told for the fiftieth time.
I returned home on Wednesday, and the rest of the week was less than stellar, which is part of the reason why this post is especially late. I fell into a funk that was prompted by PMS, and I turned into someone I hardly recognized. I was miserable. I snapped at Peter at what felt like every opportunity I had. I was filled with an intense jealousy towards friends. I was more stressed out than I've been in a while as I tried to catch up on things that I didn't do while with my grandma. I was exhausted. There were really great moments during the latter half of the week, which included catching up with two good friends I hadn't seen in a while and celebrating the start of Chinese New Year with my family, but they were quickly eclipsed by how I was feeling. And I was feeling rotten.
I'm not always the smiley person depicted in the picture above. But I hate admitting that. Not because I don't want people to think less of me. It's actually not that at all. It's because I don't want to burden people. I'm usually the one people turn to for encouragement or to lend a listening ear. What do I do when I don't feel like that person? When suddenly I'm the one who needs encouragement, who needs someone to listen?
It's incredibly isolating, being in this state, in a place where you don't feel like yourself and you don't quite know how to explain it. I wanted to hide, to run away from people for fear of hurting them. And whenever I said something unkind to Peter, I tried really hard to apologize for it and prevent myself from doing it again, to no avail, of course. It's strange that sometimes we hurt the ones we love the most because we know they're not going anywhere...at least, that's how it feels to me sometimes. I can't stress enough how blessed I am to have him in my life.
It got to the point where on Sunday, I didn't want to be at church. I didn't want to pretend everything was okay because it's sometimes hard to know if people actually want to know how you're doing when they ask. So instead of sitting in on the Bible course Peter and I have been taking prior to the church service on Sunday mornings, I went for a walk. It was just God and me. And I cried. I love knowing that no matter what, I can always be vulnerable with Him. I walked and cried and talked to God, telling Him how I was feeling and how frustrating it was. And as I walked, I noticed how welcome the silence around me was. I marveled at the unexpectedly warm weather. I watched the sunlight peek through the naked trees. It was an oddly beautiful moment. I so often forget the simple things that life offers us, but God didn't let me forget on that walk. I returned to church feeling refreshed, calm, and loved.
I'm doing much better today, in case you were wondering. If you've read this far, thank you for doing so. I know this post wasn't my best, but sometimes, it just feels good to get things out of my head and share them with someone, even when those things are emotional and complicated. I spent too much of my life bottling things up inside and trying to fend for myself. During my senior year of college, I hit an all-time low as a result. I had never felt so alone. I don't want to be that person again if I have anything to say about it. So thank you for letting me get this off of my chest. =]
I am at peace now, but maybe next time, I should give someone the chance to surprise me...to welcome the real answer to the question, "How are you?" I certainly hope I can be that person for someone else.
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