Though I disagree with this other mom's thoughts on being "just" a mom (if you missed it, read pt.1!), I actually really admire her parenting style. She has two toddler girls, and she just always seems to be ON POINT with them. She's full of energy, so it really looks as though she's able to keep up with them easily, and she's always integrating little quizzes into their play so that they're constantly learning. She's also that mom you want around when you're struggle-bussing with your own kids because she'll step in and try to help (I've seen her do this not only with my own kids but also with random strangers' kids, and it's just amazing). Her eldest, who is very close in age to Emalyn, is extremely well behaved too. I've honestly just been in awe of this mom.
While it has been really fun connecting with another mom, it's also been...tough. After all, what happens when you start spending time with a mom who you view as being a better mom than you and fail to keep the comparison game at bay? That's right. You spiral.
The comparison game is already unforgiving when you're simply comparing yourself to another person. When you're comparing yourself to another mom, though, it's downright brutal.
I started thinking about what I could be doing better in my own parenting, which made me think about all of the bad things I've done in the past, which made me think about how terrible of a mom I am and maybe that's why Emalyn isn't as well-behaved as her friend, and down the rabbit hole of destructiveness I went until I concluded that perhaps my kids would be better off with a different mom.
In case you didn't know, mom guilt spirals are an effect of postpartum depression.
In some ways, I'm grateful I've gone through postpartum depression once before because this time around, I know what to look for. The triggers aren't always the same, but the way I feel and how to best cope with that feeling are well-known to me at this point. And something that helps me cope is talking to others (yes, plural) about how I'm feeling. I can't express just how grateful I am to have Peter and some truly amazing friends in this season of my life because motherhood can be terribly isolating and lonely if you allow it to be. They also keep me accountable and ensure I don't wallow in any negative feelings, as is my tendency. So I shared how I was feeling with them and was gently reminded of some truths that I'd forgotten in the midst of my spiraling.
I am a good mom. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and I'm a better mom some days than others, but that doesn't negate the fact that I'm a good mom overall. I mean, at the bare minimum, a good mom feeds her kids, nurtures them, and keeps them safe. I certainly do that.
Emalyn is an amazing kid, and I have references for this so it's not just my biased opinion lol. Just because she acts like the three-year-old she is sometimes doesn't mean I'm a bad mom or that she's a bad kid, and I need to remember that.
I might not be the mom I want to be all the time, but I'm the mom my kids need. They need to know that messing up is a part of life. When we make mistakes, especially if they involve someone else, we should always acknowledge them and right any wrongs, asking for forgiveness when someone else is involved. And as much as my pride hurts every time I have to admit fault to my own kids, I do it because it's the right thing to do and because it's an opportunity to teach them. It's an act of love, and no one could love my children more than I can (aside from God, of course).
I also have no idea what this mom is going through herself. I certainly want the best for her and hope things are going well beyond what I can see, but I have to remember that what I see isn't always the same as what I don't see. For all I know, she could be admiring things about me and my parenting (I doubt it, but as a friend said, it's entirely possible). Ultimately, it's great to find inspiration from other moms on what I could incorporate into my own parenting, but the observations shouldn't go any further than that if I want to avoid playing the comparison game.
Being a mom has reminded me just how much I need God's grace. Without accepting His grace, I find it extremely difficult to extend grace to myself. Being a mom has humbled me - I'm definitely not as good of a person as I thought I was before having kids lol. I've discovered more shortcomings in myself than I thought I had. But that truth has resulted in growth. I want to be better for my kids (and for Peter), so I'm striving to turn my shortcomings into my strengths. It'd be amazing if I became known for my patience (we're nowhere near there yet, but it could happen!) or for never losing my cool (I'm less confident about this one, but we'll see what happens) someday. Until then, I'm just taking it one day at a time and asking myself, "What could I do today to be a better mom and a better wife than I was yesterday?" And for now, that's enough.
(My next musings post will be a lot happier, I promise!)
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