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Writer's pictureRachel Berntsen

twenty nineteen


Hi everyone! I decided to take a bit of a break for the holidays, and then I got sick shortly after Christmas and have just recovered (finally!) in the last day or two, so apologies that it's been a while. Well, it's my first official post of the new year, so I figured I'd share some of my resolutions with you! Do you all still make resolutions each year? I have in the past, but most of the time they've fallen through, which kinda defeats their purpose. Hopefully this year will be different!


1. Fitness


I don't know if I've mentioned this, but my friend who's a personal trainer and who helped me through the 8-week Transphormation challenge worked with me as my personal trainer throughout the month of December and will continue to do so this month. I realized that I really need accountability when it comes to working out, and since I don't have a gym membership, she's been creating workouts for me that I can complete within the comfort of my own home! She's also been helping me with my nutrition, which has been super helpful. Some of you know that I don't drink enough water (this friend, who was also a teammate of mine during my year in China, reminded me how proud I was that an entire water cooler could last me several months when that shouldn't have been the case at all!); by the end of December, though, I was drinking 8 cups every day (thanks to a water bottle that she bought me that has honestly helped me compete with myself)! I realize this shouldn't have been something I managed to do only recently, but regardless, it was a huge turning point for me. Working with J has been fantastic so far - she's such an incredible blessing to me! I look forward to continuing to progress in this area of my life this year.


2. Friendships


I mentioned this in my last blog post, but I'm determined to try harder at maintaining my friendships, and I want to extend that past the friends I have in NY. I talked about them specifically because they're really easy to get to, and I shouldn't have excuses for not visiting them. But I have friends outside of NY too, and I hope to be more intentional about maintaining those friendships as well, whether that's seeing people in person or just catching up via Skype.


3. Self-reflection


Self-reflection hasn't really been a huge part of my life unless I've wronged someone. I experience an intense amount of guilt when I hurt someone (or when I think I do), and that guilt often plagues me for an extended period of time, so I naturally consider how I could have done things differently and how I can address the problem moving forward (especially as someone who hates conflict like no other). However, I think it's good to reflect on all aspects of my life, and to do so more frequently than I currently do. One of the main areas that I'd like to reflect on this year in particular is how I treat others. Have you ever met someone that you felt was truly incapable of being unkind to someone else, someone who genuinely loves on others in a very selfless way, someone who comes as close to perfect as a person can get? I've known a couple of people like that, and it has always pained me to admit the fact that I am not that kind of person. Clearly it's possible, but I have always fallen short in so many ways, one of them being the fact that I'm a very judgmental person. I don't do it intentionally, but I also haven't always tried very hard to simmer that part of myself down. If I'm to truly strive to be the kind of person who genuinely cares about others, I need to consider the way I treat the people I meet. Ironically, I think it's only when I start to make breakthroughs in this area that I'll feel ready to be a mom. I don't recall if I've admitted this in a previous blog post, but the reason I do not feel ready to be a mom (besides the fact that I got married less than a year ago) is because, to put it bluntly, I'm not done being selfish (I was actually talking to my hair stylist about this when I got my haircut last week lol). I'm not ready to put my desires and dreams on hold for someone else's sake. Being married to Peter has impacted my desires and dreams, but only slightly (for example, I can't just take off and live in another country for months at a time like I used to lol; if I hadn't met Peter, I might have honestly tried teaching abroad for a while in Hong Kong). Having a child would impact them more. So I think as I focus more on self-reflection and being less self-centered this year, perhaps I will also move closer to being ready to be a mom (But seriously, even if I'm suddenly way less selfish by the end of the year, there's still no way I'm going to be ready to be a mom, logistically, financially, or physically. But being ready mentally would be a good starting point.).


4. Reading and Writing


I've been watching WAY too much T.V. lately (I blame Netflix), and I've neglected to do much reading, so that's something I'd like to fix. I've gotten into reading poetry a bit lately, particularly books of poems by Rupi Kaur and Atticus. I've grown very fond of short, free-flowing poems that still manage to tug at my heart strings. One of my best friends started a Harry Potter book club, and though I'm too far too attend their meetings every other week, I plan to read along with them and have one-on-one discussions with her. I haven't read through the series since the very last movie came out, and with all this mention of Grindelwald in Fantastic Beasts (I've only seen the first one so far) and my inability to remember what his deal is, I think now is a great time to read through the books again. And the hope is that the more I read, the more I'll want to write, and that I'll get back into writing on a more regular basis. I'm still determined to be in the process of publishing a book by the time I'm thirty, which means I have a little more than two years left, so I need to get cracking on this YA book of mine!


5. Marriage


Our one-year anniversary is in May, and with it, the potential end of our "honeymoon phase", or so they say. For all I know, ours has ended already lol. I'm not really sure what the transition feels like, but I do know that I don't want my love for Peter or my opinion of my marriage to him to change. Right now, I think it's safe to say that I'm crazy about both Peter and marriage. When people ask us how married life is, I tell them that I love it, and I really do mean that. Despite the disagreements, the dirty dishes left in the sink instead of in the dishwasher, the miscommunication, the fact that so much work remains unfinished in our house and that's why we haven't adopted a cat yet, the busyness of our schedules, and the lessened amount of time that we spend together during the week because of Peter's new job, I love being married. And I hope that by the end of the year, I will still feel the same way. Obviously that's not something that just happens, though, so I will continue to strive to be the best wife possible to Peter and to focus on my own shortcomings than on his. And I will continue to love him in such a way that I truly didn't realize was possible when it comes to loving another human being until I met him.



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