Being married to Peter these past 4.5 years has taught me a lot. It has taught me some of the ways in which we can experience true joy in this life. It has also taught me some of the ways in which we can experience intense pain. People have often described marriage to me as beautiful but challenging. The beauty of it was easy to see right from the start. The challenges eventually came along as well, and they've taken many different forms, some of which I anticipated and some of which I could have never anticipated.
If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know two of those challenges. Within the first year, we discovered that having sex wasn't going to be a walk in the park because I had vaginismus. Peter also lost his job four months after we got married. I didn't anticipate either of those, but we worked together through both of them. One resulted in Emalyn (we made a point of not trying to grow our family until we had overcome this challenge in our sex life), and the other resulted in a new job literally two months later (though he's now been working at an even newer job since March!)!
I knew we were different people, but I didn't know just how different we were until after we were married, and that has meant we've butt heads on certain things. One of those things is the way we resolve conflict. Peter likes to address conflict right away so that we can resolve it and move past it, but I prefer to take a break from it and come back to it later after I've had time to think and come up with a game plan. We've definitely had to compromise in this area of our marriage. I also knew that navigating parenthood would be a challenge, but I hadn't anticipated how hard it would be to not only prioritize our marriage with a little one but to also make sure we didn't get stuck in survival mode for too long and forget how to spend quality time together (this happened over the summer and lasted a few months - it was definitely hard).
In particular, though, I've been learning just how hard it is to be a good wife. You know, after having a much better understanding of what marriage looks like post-college, I really thought I'd make an excellent wife! I quickly discovered, though, that sacrificial love just doesn't come naturally to me lol. Can anyone else relate?
It was a bit easier at the beginning, when it was just the two of us. Having Emalyn has only made it harder. Now I'm trying to prioritize him and his needs, except Emalyn's completely dependent on us, and I often find myself spending my non-work days fully immersed in spending time with her, and then once she's in bed, I'm exhausted and just want to watch my K-drama or reality TV show by myself. How am I supposed to give more of myself to him when I'm completely wiped out after a day of chasing a toddler around?
This question was especially relevant last week, when both Emalyn and Peter were sick and I had to take care of them both. I spent the day working a little bit (thankfully the tutoring I had to do the week of Thanksgiving was lighter than normal) but mostly taking care of Emalyn (since she couldn't go to daycare with a fever) and occasionally taking care of Peter (though he was working from home most of the day). And then when Emalyn went to bed, Peter was awake and wanted to spend time with me, and because I'd been stuck at home without any social interaction (perhaps I'm an extroverted introvert) and had spent the day taking care of a sick toddler who was wildly energetic despite being sick and had also put in a few hours of work, I told him no on more than one occasion, that I needed time to wind down alone first. And usually it was enough time such that I didn't see him again until it was time for bed.
It's easy and not-so-guilt-inducing to say "Well I'm exhausted and need some time to take care of myself first because I haven't been able to all day" instead of acknowledging how Peter's need for my company comes from the fact that he's hardly had any human contact period and he's sick yet still working and maybe I could be selfless for a little while longer and show him that I can be there for him just as much as I can be there for Emalyn, if not more. I just got too tied up in my own exhaustion and my own needs that I completely disregarded his needs in the moment. It took Peter calling me out on my continued neglect to finally humble myself and start doing better by him. To show more sacrificial love towards him, even when I don't want to.
Being a good wife is hard because being selfless is hard. However, I never actually regret it when I'm truly selfless towards Peter (because yes, sometimes I try to act selflessly but it doesn't reach my heart...and boy, does he catch on quick). In fact, even if I'm not crazy about being selfless in the moment, sometimes I discover a real sense of joy when I choose to be because of how full Peter's love tank is afterwards. And when Peter's love tank is full, he looks at me as though nothing and no one could possibly steal his attention away, and that look is enough to fill my own love tank.
Sacrificial love is supposed to be reciprocal in a marriage. I'm not the only one who's loving sacrificially. Peter has to do it too, or our marriage would be miserable. And when I love him with a sacrificial love, it naturally encourages him to return the favor. Maybe not in the same moment, but not long afterwards (I actually just finished reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, and he talks all about this. I'll probably write about this book in a future blog post. Highly recommend it to married couples!).
In 2018, I chose to marry Peter. Now, I'm choosing to love him every day. Some days make this easier to do than others, but when all is said and done, I can choose to love him sacrificially or to put myself first. I'm not quite there yet, but in time, I hope I will always choose the former.
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