From August 4, 2020:
I’m pregnant!!
I found out four days ago (but you won’t be reading this until much later, of course). I first had a hunch when my period didn’t come the day it was supposed to. Or the day after that. Or the day after THAT. My period is quite regular, so even though late periods can have multiple causes, I had a feeling I was pregnant. I wanted to wait to tell Peter until I was at an I-need-a-pregnancy-test level of certainty, but I caved and told him, and we agreed that we’d pick up a test at the end of the week. All week, I was trying to decide what to feel. For the past maybe two months, I had been harping on the fact that life was so nice without the hassle of kids. I love being able to do things spontaneously and spend quality time with people. The thought of losing that was really hard. On the other hand, when I asked myself whether or not I could forgo being a mom in order to continue life as is, there was really no question about it. I soooo want to be a mom! That week, all I could think about was how this desire of mine might actually come true and how truly excited I was for that!
On the morning of Saturday, August 1, while my husband was still waking up, I ventured into the bathroom, read the test’s directions for the third time, and peed on the stick. I know you’re supposed to wait two minutes, but even as I was setting it down, I saw the plus sign! I still timed the two minutes, but who’s ever heard of a test going from positive to negative?? I went back into the bedroom and waited until I made eye contact with Peter before I told him, “I’m pregnant.” He jumped out of bed and came over to hug me and we both started jumping up and down while hugging and then of course I started crying (just a little).
Guys, a year and a half ago, I wrote a post about how sex was NOT all it was cracked up to be for me. It was painful, and it did NOT make me feel good. After a long period of denial, I finally told my gynecologist about it and started seeing a physical therapist to help me gain control over my muscles down under. Peter and I agreed that we would wait to try to have a baby until our sex life significantly improved. I think the fact that I’m pregnant should be enough to tell you that we've come a long way. We made it!!
I went off of the pill back in January, but we didn’t truly try (I mean a using-an-app-to-pinpoint-when-I-would-be-ovulating level of trying) until July, and lo and behold, that’s when I got pregnant lol. After taking the test, I immediately went into research mode and looked up answers to the following questions: Can I still drink tea every morning? When should I start taking prenatal vitamins? What books should I be reading? Can I still eat raw fish on occasion if I love sushi? (I researched that AFTER Peter and I had sushi to celebrate the news...whoops!)
The hardest question I researched was this: when do miscarriages typically occur? I read that 15% of women under the age of 35 suffer from a miscarriage during their first pregnancy. I became aware of just how frequent miscarriages are when my ex’s wife wrote a blog post about it. Ever since, I’ve told myself that there’s a very legitimate possibility it could happen to me. It’s not that I'm being pessimistic - I’m doing everything I can to be healthy and to take good care of this baby - but I want to be as mentally prepared as possible in case it happens. Peter told me the same day that I took the test that he would be there for me no matter what happens, knowing my fear of what might come to pass, and I couldn’t be more grateful to have him in my life.
From October 30, 2020:
Fast forward almost 3 months. We waited until I was 12 weeks pregnant to tell our families, because at that point, the chance of a miscarriage decreases significantly, and we wanted to make sure we told them at a point when it was safe for everyone to celebrate. We also knew by then that we were having a girl (we took a genetic blood test to make sure her chromosomes were in check but also to find out the gender early), so it was nice being able to share that with them at the same time (I really wanted a gender reveal at first...but then I realized I didn't want to have to wait to find out what we were having and go through the hassle of planning that lol). I continue to have bouts of uncertainty simply because, at 18 weeks, I've only felt the baby once (it felt like a giant bubble shifting over in my belly hehe), which isn't abnormal, but it also means I have NO way of knowing how she's doing. God has been teaching me so much about the need to trust Him when things are completely out of my control.
During my appointment this past Tuesday, I got to see her for the first time since I saw her at 9 weeks. It's incredible how big she's gotten! I can't get over how vivid her spine was, as well as the bones in her feet and hands. I was also really impressed by how the sonographer was able to easily distinguish each vital organ - it all looked the same to me! The sonographer poked at my belly with the instrument used for the ultrasound to get the baby to turn over onto her back (she had been curled up in a ball on her stomach when we first saw her), and when she did, I kid you not - she gave us a wave (see the picture below)! It was such a beautiful moment. Unfortunately, because of COVID, Peter hasn't been allowed to accompany me to any of my appointments, with the exception of the very first one, but I did my best to FaceTime him in and shared photos and some video footage with him afterwards. I have no idea what life will look like in March (she's due on March 30), but I'm relishing each and every moment that I have with her now. For once, time actually feels like it's going slowly because I have a very good reason to keep my eyes focused on the present. 🥰
I've missed blogging so much, and now that my work schedule is more settled and that the initial trimester is OVER (Hallelujah!), I'm hoping to return to blogging every other week. Stay tuned!
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