me challenge musings

Hi friends! I decided to extend my challenge to a month-long one instead of a mere two weeks to see if I would learn additional things about the process. In case you don't remember since it HAS been an entire month since I last wrote a post, I challenged myself to make an effort to care less about what other people think about me, at least when it comes to my insecurities and making decisions and such. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I learned about myself through this challenge. Here are some of my findings:

1. The picture I added to this post was taken a just few moments ago. One of the things I said I was going to stop doing for the purpose of this challenge was staging pictures for my Instagram account. It was HARD. I had to actively remind myself not to do it. But I felt a lot better for it. It was nice just taking pictures of things as they happened rather than focusing on making the pictures look "pretty". I certainly think there's a place for staged pictures (I have an entire wedding album that says as much), but I also want to spend more time capturing the everyday things on camera, like Nymeria soaking up the sun (I upload pictures of her quite often lol. At first I wondered if I should make a separate account for her in case people got tired of seeing picture after picture of her, but then I remembered what I set out to do with this challenge and decided I'm fine with it, so that's all that matters).

2. I've started wearing my glasses roughly 3-4 days a week. I REALLY like them, and honestly, I think something that made this easy for me to do was the fact that no one ever commented on them (I'm talking specifically about people who are used to seeing me with contacts). It just goes to show how much I think people care about how I look when they could really care less. In a similar fashion, I've gotten more comfortable going out in my workout clothes (read: t-shirt and leggings) and putting my hair up in a ponytail (I've even gotten comfortable checking the mail in my PJs). I don't always have to look what I once considered "presentable" before I go outside. Wearing something comfortable and keeping my hair out of my face are perfectly normal things to do.

3. I go to the salon once a month (no, not to get my hair/nails done lol). I'm always self-conscious when I go there because a) all of the women I've seen there, both employees and customers alike, are white, and b) all of the women I've seen there, both employees and customers alike, always look on point. I always thought the point of going to a salon was to get dolled up; I never thought I had to look the part when I arrive. There have been times when I've shown up with "comfortable" clothing and without both makeup (which I can honestly say I haven't touched in MONTHS, not even to cover up my acne like I used to do daily because my face has been looking the BEST it's ever been, hurray!) and a great hairstyle. I've felt super out of place there...until my last visit. It was so bizarre...but knowing the challenge I had given myself, I just walked in there with my head up high and chose not to feel self-conscious about how I looked. Suddenly, I didn't care anymore about how other people looked. I felt fine; that's really all that mattered. And it was great! I need to do that every time I go!

4. I discovered that I even consider what other drivers think of me when I'm on the road. I've wondered if the driver behind me thinks I'm going too slowly, and I sometimes pick up the speed as a result. I've wondered if the driver in front of me thinks I'm trying to tailgate him/her, so I slow down. I've wondered if the driver next to me notices when I'm singing to myself without any music on. What??? Yeah, no more of that. Totally unnecessary.

5. I learned that I get self-conscious even when I'm with my husband of all people. Peter has this look that he sometimes gives me that I've taken to mean he's being judgmental. Just yesterday, in fact, I asked him to stop judging me for something or other, and he immediately pointed out how I chose to interpret his facial expressions to mean he was judging me, when, in fact, that wasn't something he was trying to do at all. Have you ever done something like that? I had to stop and think about it before realizing he was right. Sometimes, I make wild assumptions about what people are thinking about me...because I tend to assume the worst. It's gotten to the point where I even do that with my own husband.

Why? Why do I care so much about what other people think? And why do I always assume the worst? It's because I'm insecure. I don't want to stand out. I want to be "normal". I want to fit in. But you know something? It's okay to be abnormal. It's okay if you don't always conform to society's standards, if you don't always fit in. My self-worth shouldn't be determined by other people. And I don't ever want to compromise being myself, especially not for the sake of someone else. I think it's time I started working harder at that. All that is to say that this challenge has taught me things about myself that I had never noticed before, and it has made me realize to what extent I allow other people to determine my actions. May this challenge move from being a challenge to being a lifelong goal!