Recently, I bought a new pair of frames, as depicted in the photo. Peter insisted that I get this pair because he thought I looked cute in them and because he wanted me to get a pair that I'd feel comfortable wearing on a regular basis. I normally wear contacts, which I've been wearing since the 9th grade. I would only wear my glasses at night, when I was home for the rest of the day. One time during my junior year of college, I got an eye infection and had to wear my glasses for almost a month. I HATED it.
I recently did some reflecting though (this particular New Year's resolution is still going strong!), and I came to realize that I don't like wearing my glasses less because I don't like them and more because I think the people around me won't like them. It makes sense - it's not like I've gone out of my way to choose ugly sets of frames throughout my life. I've just assumed that I'm more attractive and less dorky without them, which might stem from middle school when I had glasses and braces at the same time and NEVER felt pretty.
All that is to say I've decided I'm going to give myself a "me" challenge, which you are more than welcome to participate in! For the next two weeks, until I blog again, I'm going to consciously make an effort to care less about what other people think about me. Let me start with a disclaimer: caring about what other people think is NOT always a bad thing. If I'm about to adopt a puppy, it might be good to see what Peter thinks first. If I'm about to make a major life decision, it might be good to talk to my parents about it. If I'm about to comfort a friend, it might be good to consider the type of comfort she needs, whether it's a hug or an encouraging word. Those examples, however, are very different from what I'm talking about. I care deeply about how I'm perceived by others, friends and strangers alike. I often allow what I believe others might think to determine my actions, just like in the case of my choice to avoid wearing my glasses like the plague. I know I've talked about this before, and while I've certainly taken strides in this area of my life, I want to see if I can go further. So for the next two weeks, I want to abandon all of that concern and see what comes of it.
An article on Psychology Today lists 8 ways to avoid concerning oneself with what other people think. I'm going to list 7 of them and then explain what they mean to me personally.
1. Keep things in perspective: I get so caught up in what other people think of me instead of considering what those people are actually thinking of themselves. We all have insecurities, especially in this age of social media. Peter and I attended a youth leadership conference on Saturday, and during one of the labs I attended, the speaker mentioned how the identities of today's youth "are formed by fleeting digital images." This, of course, is applicable to those of us who are also trying to keep up with the rapid changes occurring in our society. We take pictures of ourselves looking our best because we don't want people to see what's going on outside of the picture. That's the thing though - this is a "we" thing, not just a "me" thing. While I worry about what others think, chances are those people are too busy to think about me because they are also busy worrying.
2. Question your thinking: When I'm talking to others, I tend to have a more optimistic look on life. When I'm left to my own devices and thoughts, though, that look quickly turns negative. My top love language is words of affirmation, something that is incredibly difficult for me to do for myself. I prefer dwelling on the negative, which is probably a result of my depression. Encouraging myself to think "happy thoughts" when the negative self-criticism arises is easier said than done, but what if I actually TRIED it instead of just assuming it's not going to work?
3. Let go of perfection: I can't be perfect. I'm too full of flaws. But the fact of the matter is no one can be perfect. I would argue that there are certainly people who are closer to perfection than I am, but even those people will always fall short. You know what else? No matter what I do, I ultimately can't change people's opinions of me. Only they can do that. Sure, I can expand my vocabulary to sound more sophisticated and I can change my wardrobe to appear more fashionable, but I have no control over whether or not my actions will actually change what people think of me. So why not give it a rest? That's not to say I can't continue to strive to be more like Christ in the way I love and act towards others, but I don't need to try to meet people's expectations of me. I'm already hard on myself - I don't need the pressure of thinking about what others think as well.
4. Get to know yourself: I need to decide if what I choose to do in life is because I actually enjoy it or if it's merely something I'm doing to please others. This is an area that I've been growing in ever since I started tutoring (By the way, for those of you who didn't know, I'm expanding my business! I created my own website in the hopes of gaining more students - we'll see how it goes!). When I first started tutoring, yes, it was meant to be a temporary thing - I was working part-time, and the tutoring gave me the flexibility I needed to plan my wedding. However, after I got married and went back to tutoring, I was often asked something along the lines of, "So what's next? Are you going to go back to working in a classroom?" Um...no? I think I'm going to stick with tutoring for a while because I like it. Why should I allow others to determine where I find my fulfillment in life? (Besides, almost all of the people who have asked me that question have never taught in a classroom before lol. There are lots of tutors who started out in classrooms and then changed their minds like I did.) For some, it's a practical thing. People think there's not much money in tutoring. I entered the education field knowing money wasn't going to be a priority for me, though. If I'm able to help someone, that's really all the satisfaction I need (though yes, I also appreciate having the ability to help Peter with the bills too).
5. Find your tribe: Being able to experience a sense of belonging is really important. However, that shouldn't be at the expense of losing myself. Thus, it's important to find belonging with people you can truly be yourself with. Having a husband helps with that, but having family and close friends helps too. I can't tell you how many times I've controlled my tendency to be silly or restrained myself from quoting Gilmore Girls or a Disney movie or hid the fact that I'm a huge Star Wars fan in front of people I don't know very well. There are things about me that I don't like admitting off of the bat because I don't want to "scare" people away (something else I need to work on). I'm grateful that I have people in my life that accept me just as I am, oddities and all.
6. Allow yourself to be vulnerable: I should not allow my perceived notion of people's opinions of me (I say "perceived," because like I mentioned in number 1, I don't actually know what people are thinking) to either encourage me to do things or to stop me from doing things. Easiest example - childbearing. People can ask me all they want about when I'm going to have a baby (yes, this has already happened...), but I'm not going to have a baby until I'm ready (I say "I" here because Peter is a lot closer to being ready than I am)! I don't care if other people are ready for that lol - they're not the ones who will have to do all of the work! But I need to be honest. Instead of just laughing halfheartedly at a comment about kids, I should be upfront and admit that I'm not ready. People should be able to respect that. And if they can't, well, more practice in not caring what people think, right?
7. Be your own friend: In acknowledging that I can't change people's opinions of me, I also need to acknowledge the fact that I will never get everyone around me to like me. I have to learn to be okay with that. I think I've mentioned in a previous post (my short-term memory isn't so great lol) how I sometimes meet people that I just KNOW I want to become best friends with, and then I engage in the process of doing so (some of you know that experience all too well hehe). With most people, though, our friendships develop more naturally. I've recently been affirmed on several occasions that I make friends easily, regardless of which way I go about making them. However, I was also recently made aware of the fact that not everyone I want to be friends with will share the same sentiment. I can't force a friendship to happen. And I need to accept that. Instead of focusing on those instances, I should choose to focus on myself and how I can be a better me.
What will this look like? I'm not exactly sure. For one thing, if I post photos on Instagram, I'm not going to stage them; I'm going to keep them natural. I'm not going to force myself to look presentable when I go out - bad hair days happen! I'm going to stop doing things for the "likes". When I've posted something on Instagram or Facebook in the past, I often check back frequently to see how many "likes" my post receives. Nope, not gonna do it. I'm only going to check if I actually have a notification. I might also try a social media fast for the weekend. Those are just some of my ideas. I'll let you know the others things that I do/don't do and how it all goes in my next post! And if you decide to try this with me, please let me know! I'd love to encourage you along the way. =]
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