I have this problem where I like having control. Of things, of people, of my future, you name it. I've been told this is a struggle that many women share, but I don't know if other women have it quite as bad as I do.
I just like having certainty about things. For example, I like knowing the dirty dishes will be placed the "right" way into the dishwasher because I'll be the one putting them there. I like knowing Emalyn won't make a mess while she's feeding herself because I'll be the one keeping an eye on her and stopping her as soon as I see something go awry. I like knowing we'll get to church on time because I'll be the one keeping an eye on the time and declaring when we should start getting ready to go. I appreciate it when my expectations are met.
This is the main reason why hospitality is not my strong suit. It's not that I don't like having people over, and it's not that I don't like feeding people (although to this day, I'm still convinced I'm better at baking than cooking, so having people over for dessert is slightly less stressful than having people over for dinner). I just don't like that I lack control to a certain extent when other people are over. And it's not about controlling where people are sitting or what they do or anything like that. I just feel that in order to be a good hostess, I need to be able to anticipate anything and everything and plan accordingly, which isn't easy to do. I need to refill someone's cup when I see it's empty without them asking first. I need to jump up and clear the table before anyone else tries to because that's my job, not my guest's. I need to make a mental note to pick up the crumbs that dropped to the floor under so-and-so's chair after everyone has left so they don't make a home there for the next week.
Problems arise when my expectations aren't met and are worse when I hadn't anticipated something. For example, I expect Emalyn to go to daycare on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Fridays while I'm working. When she has to stay home from daycare because she's sick, I get incredibly anxious. How am I supposed to teach and watch Emalyn at the same time? I already have less students than I had in the fall, and I don't want to cancel on them last minute, and that also means I'll need to spend my evening working and prepping my lesson plans because I promised not to work while watching Emalyn once she started daycare...and I start to spiral mentally. And because I'm frustrated that my expectations weren't met, that frustration seeps into my interactions with Emalyn, and I'll find myself jumping on her when she does something so trivial that it shouldn't be as big of a deal as I've made it. Cue mom guilt. Or here's another example: Peter and I share a car, and I expect to have access to it on Thursdays and Fridays when he works from home. There have been times when the car needed to be taken into the shop on one of those days or when Peter needed to run an errand or go to an appointment that he either forgot to tell me about or I had forgotten about myself when I was expecting to go grocery shopping or meet a friend. I become livid because my plans were interrupted, and if there's any possible way I can blame Peter for the interruption, I let him bear the brunt of my anger because things didn't go my way.
These problems are especially bad with regards to hosting people unexpectedly. For example, we usually pack our lunches and bring them with us to church on Sundays so that after the service, we can hang out with two of our friends at one of their houses since they live within walking distance. If the plan changes last-minute and it's decided that they're coming to our house instead, I flip out. I'm anxiously thinking through a list of things I need to do before they arrive as I try not to urge Peter to drive faster so we can beat them to the house. And when we get home, I'm in a frenzy, clearing off the dining table, doing some light cleaning, setting out cups, organizing Emalyn's toys, etc. And when our guests arrive, I stay quiet until I'm done calming down (which takes a while), though I don't do a good job of hiding the fact that something's wrong and sometimes go into hiding for a bit because I don't want them to look into it.
Why am I telling you all of this? Well, this year, as I was thinking about new year's resolutions, I saw a friend post an affirmation that he's holding onto this year, and I thought what a great idea. I don't like the idea of resolutions because I always feel badly about myself when I don't achieve them. The idea of having an affirmation you tell yourself on a regular basis throughout the year is much more positive, I think, and when you're in a good place mentally, that can positively impact other areas of your life too. So this year, my affirmation is "Let go and let God."
There's a story in the New Testament about two sisters who have Jesus over at their house one day. Martha is the one slaving away in the kitchen, making sure everything is perfect, and Mary is the one sitting by Jesus' feet, simply listening to him talk. Martha points out how Mary has left her to do all the work by herself and asks him to tell Mary to help her. Jesus responds in a way that I'm sure Martha wasn't expecting. He says that while Martha is worried about a bunch of things, there's only one thing that really requires her attention in that moment. Mary chose to focus on that one thing - spending time with Jesus - and it won't be taken from her.
I've already spent too much of my life focusing on how to maintain control of situations when, instead, I should be focusing on what's more important, the portion that can't be taken away from me. When Emalyn is sick and can't go to daycare, what's important is loving on her and being grateful for her existence and helping her feel better and appreciating the unexpected extra time I have with her that week instead of being frustrated by how her illness is throwing a wrench into my work plans. My students are either parents themselves or have parents who all understand - I don't need to cater to them at Emalyn's expense. When I don't have the car like I thought I would, what's important is that we have a car at all and that we live in a day and age where I can always order groceries to be delivered and that I have patient friends who understand when I have to cancel last-minute and that I can take the time I would have otherwise spent out doing things around the house that I haven't had a chance to do. When friends are coming over unexpectedly, what's important are those friendships and the community I've found here, especially considering how lonely I was at the beginning. My counselor has really helped me to see and understand how beneficial this change in mindset can be, and I'm hoping and praying that this year, when something goes differently than I had expected, I will give it up to God and let Him take care of it for me while I focus on what's important instead.
(And for the record, I'm slowly making progress with the hosting. I didn't exaggerate anything I said earlier, but it's gotten to a point where I realize it's okay if I don't anticipate everyone's needs before they make them known and it's okay if dinner isn't on the table when they arrive. In fact, I actually like it when they help themselves to whatever they need. It means I've done a good job at helping them feel at home.)
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