In general, when someone asks me that question, I determine my answer based on the following two factors:
How well do I know this person? If it's someone I don't know well, I stick to the script and respond with something along the lines of "Good, how are you?" If it's someone I know very well and I'm not actually doing well, I feel comfortable admitting that.
Does this person seem interested in a genuine answer? Sometimes you can tell, usually based on body language, whether someone wants an honest answer to the question or if they're just asking to be polite. Sometimes you can even tell if they are in a rush or aren't interested in knowing how you really are. I certainly choose not to be honest when I get that vibe from someone.
I've discussed this particular topic with a friend and how sad it is that asking someone "How are you?" is simply used as a greeting and not often meant to be taken seriously. However, I've come to realize that when someone asks a new mom "How are you?" they typically want the truth, and that is a fact regardless of whether or not the questioner is also a mom.
Before I gave birth, I gave several friends permission to "bother" me and ask me how I'm doing postpartum. Why? Because I'm (unfortunately) the type of person who doesn't like to burden others with my problems. I know myself, and I know I won't just unleash a series of unexpressed emotions onto an innocent bystander, so my pregnant self decided to do my postpartum self a favor by reaching out to these friends...because I knew I'd appreciate having people check up on me.
So how am I?
My scripted answer: I'm great! I love being Emalyn's mom, and even though I'm tired, she makes it all worth it!
My real answer: I'm doing okay.
Yes, I do love being Emalyn's mom, and yes, she's absolutely worth everything I've gone through, but that doesn't negate the fact that I've been through a LOT these past two months, not just physically but mentally and emotionally too. I love my sleep, so adjusting to sleeping for significantly shorter increments than what I'm used to has been a struggle (it used to be 2-3 hours increments - that was rough - but as soon as she hit the 2 month mark, she started sleeping 5 hours straight followed by another 2-3 hours, which has been amazinggg!). I love breastfeeding and the bond that has developed naturally between Emalyn and me as a result, but it was definitely painful at first (thankfully not for long). It can also be very tiring on days when she cluster feeds (ie: eating every hour), and it has taken a toll on my back as well.
Other things: over the past two months, I've found myself either crying for no reason or crying because I feel neglected. It's so hard knowing Emalyn depends on me entirely, and I do all I can to provide for her, but I'm pouring out everything I've got and not being refilled quickly enough. That too is exhausting. Sitting down hurt for a while. Walking for 15-20 minutes hurt for a while. Using the bathroom sometimes hurt (don't even get me started with how constipated I was during the second week - thankfully that's a thing of the past now). My lochia (vaginal discharge after a vaginal delivery) smells awful (it's not as bad now, but it's still there), and I'm always super self-conscious about it even though no one else has noticed it (namely Peter, who's always around, and my mom, who stayed a total of 2 weeks with us in the past two months).
More recently, I've grown self-conscious of my postpartum body. At first, I didn't think anything of it. It was easy to remind myself that I had just given birth, and I had managed to lose a LOT of my pregnancy weight pretty quickly. However, now that more time has passed, I'm more aware of the changes my body has undergone. Two Sundays ago, we had a baby dedication for Emalyn at our church, which basically consisted of bringing her before the members of our church and having our pastor charge them with the task of coming alongside us and helping us raise her in the Christian faith. It was a lovely little ceremony, but little did people know how terrible of a morning I had had. I spent 30 minutes (not exaggerating) going through my closet and searching for a dress to wear, only to discover that half of them no longer fit and almost all of the remaining ones were not conducive to breastfeeding. Half of them no longer fit because my chest has grown larger from both pregnancy and the need to breastfeed (which was exciting at first because I've always been small-chested, but now I've realized the challenge it can pose) and because my hips are a bit wider now from having given birth. The latter isn't a change I had anticipated - I kind of assumed they'd simply shrink back. Perhaps that was naïve of me, but now that I'm experiencing the effects of it, I'm very aware of it, and it's something I'm going to have to get used to. Even going shopping in-person for the first time in maybe a year was challenging because I didn't know what size I was anymore, and trying things on that didn't fit was a bit of a struggle. I need to learn to accept my new body, and I'm just not there yet. It's going to take me some time.
I have also had make significant changes to my goals for my online tutoring business, which I hadn't anticipated. I'm still tutoring, but I've realized that the goals I thought I could achieve this year are not achievable like I thought they could be, given my current status as a mom. I overestimated just how much I'd be able to do while taking care of Emalyn. Yes, that's completely on me, but it was still a little disappointing to discover. My definition of being fully booked has had to change, and while that was a little disheartening at first, I think I've found a really good work-life balance now so that I'm giving enough attention to Emalyn while also giving enough attention to my students and my business.
The worst thing is that I often doubt my capability as a mom. Emalyn is a very good baby, I'd say, and she always starts with a short warning cry before switching to an ear-piercing cry when she needs something. When she gets to that point and I can't immediately figure out what's wrong, I feel like a failure. When I'm holding her and walking around, I'm often afraid I'm going to drop her or bump her head into something. On the rare occasion when she's struggling to fall back asleep and is crying because she's overstimulated, sometimes I want to put her down and walk away because I'm just so tired, and then I feel awful about wanting to neglect her in order to prioritize myself.
I started writing this post towards the end of my first month of postpartum, and I've adjusted a lot of what I've written to reflect how I'm currently feeling. However, I also consciously left certain things in that affected me in the past but no longer affect me now to give you a better picture of what motherhood has meant to me. Every time I went to the pediatrician or to the OBGYN, they gave me a questionnaire to see if I suffered from postpartum depression. Based on their questionnaire, I haven't, but that certainly doesn't mean postpartum life hasn't been challenging. It's an aspect of motherhood that I personally think is too often brushed under the carpet because people are so focused on the baby, not the mom.
There are definitely so many wonderful and amazing things happening as the days go by, but I'm intentionally choosing to save those for another post. Instead, I wanted to share a snapshot of what postpartum life has been like for me. If you're a mom, I'd love to hear what helped you get through! And if you're about to be a mom, do yourself a favor and make sure you have people who you can count on to check on you after you give birth. Personally, that did me a world of good.
Comentarios