friends

This past weekend, Peter and I went on a marriage retreat (which was great, in case you were wondering!). I know what you're thinking - what does that have to do with friends? Well, during the retreat, we were given results to an assessment we had taken individually about a month and a half ago. The results showed that my level of stress over the past year has been high (on a scale that included very low, low, average, high, and very high). The results also listed each of our top stressors. Peter, who was ranked as having a low level of stress, had five stressors listed under his name. I, on the other hand, had ten. I started crying when I saw that list - I couldn't believe just how bad I've allowed my stress to be. Because it's just that - it's self-inflicted. And one of the top three stressors was a lack of time for friends.

I don't know if I've mentioned it in this blog, but in my last blog, I discussed how my move from New York to Connecticut was especially difficult because I only had Peter in Connecticut - all of my family and best friends were in New York (those within the country, anyway). Since I tutor, I don't exactly make friends at work (although I DO feel like I've developed a sense of friendship with some of my students, which I'll explain in a minute), so figuring out how to make friends was difficult. I can now say, though, that I have made several new friends since I moved, particularly friends that I did not make through Peter.

First, I have my students. I don't think I've mentioned this yet, but all of my students are now online, which is AWESOME and means that my students are from all over the place! While I've recently had some minor issues with a parent, I continue to adore each and every one of my students. When I say that I've developed a bit of a friendship with some of them, that's because some of them are only slightly younger than me or slightly older than me (Note: I'm a professional and act as such, but I think something can be said about a relationship I have with a student where I feel I can be myself around him/her and vice versa). For example, my thirty-year-old student and I laugh a LOT together, and because she's been a bit busy lately and I haven't seen her every week, we always start by playing catch up. She often asks me about Peter as well. I've even developed deeper relationships with the students who are new to me this school year. Last week, I was having a debate with R, an ESL college student of mine, about whether or not uniforms should be required in schools (we debate as a way to work on his speaking skills). I mentioned that I had to wear a uniform from kindergarten through 8th grade and felt that I seriously lacked any sort of fashion sense as a result when I entered high school. He assured me that I seemed to have a better grasp of it now, to which I replied something along the lines of "Well, not today, since I'm just wearing a sweatshirt because I'm cold." He replied that he thought the red color suited me! What a sweet kid haha. I definitely don't think he would have said something like that during our first lesson together.

Second, I have my friends in the area. I've been able to spend time with two friends from college (one of whom attended our game night this evening, which was awesome!), and I've made a friend through one of Peter's friends. I've also developed friendships through church. It's funny - I had been praying that I would make some new friends, but I never thought about the fact that those friends could end up being older than me, which has been the case. Everyone at my church is incredibly friendly, but there are certain people I've gotten to know especially well. As you may recall, I'm very good friends with my premarital counselor and pottery instructor - she and her husband actually invited us to attend the marriage retreat with them. It was so much fun spending the weekend with them, and I continue to be blessed by them, despite the fact that they're older than us. I actually find it easy to forget. I mean, age is just a number, right? Peter and I have also mutually gotten to know our friend and youth pastor better as well, especially now that we're youth leaders. We kinda feel like we've been in this together from the start because we joined the church at about the same time that he did. I've also started growing closer to someone new. It sorta started when I learned that she designs succulents, both real and fake ones, and I immediately knew that I wanted to buy a fake one from her (both because I enjoy supporting people I know and because the couple of real succulents that I had from our wedding had died). Our friendship slowly began to develop from there until I casually asked her husband one day if he thought she'd be free to have lunch with me sometime (she was out sick that week). We've met a couple of times now, and this last time, I admitted that I had hoped to become really good friends with her (I have this weird radar of mine where sometimes I meet someone and immediately like him/her and begin to plan how to become best friends with him/her - she's one of those people lol). This ironically brings back flashbacks of when I was getting ready to go to England for a year and was worried that I might not make any friends while I was there. Making friends doesn't always come naturally to me, which is why I cherish the friendships that stick. Thankfully, this seems like a friendship that will stick.

While I have friends here, though, something still feels off at times. I haven't done a very good job of keeping in touch with my friends in New York (if you're one of those people, I do apologize and sincerely hope to see you soon), and I'm starting to feel that sensation of something slipping through my fingers, which could very well explain why a lack of time for friends is one of my top stressors. It's not that I don't have time and it's not that I don't have friends - it's just that it's harder to make time for friends that are not nearby. While marriage is more time-consuming than being single, I don't want to have to give up the things that are important to me for my marriage. Yes, there are certain sacrifices that have to be made, but I don't think my close friends should be included among them. And I'm not saying that I should spend every weekend in New York by any means. I just think I could be doing a better job of maintaining friendships that are really important to me.

During the marriage retreat, I decided that I need to shift my priorities a bit and dedicate more time to catching up with friends that are not in the immediate area. I see the friends I've made here on a regular basis, and while I don't think that's something I can do with my New York friends, I think it's something worth investing extra time in. This feels a bit like a premature New Year's resolution, but I'll take it. I don't even have to see these friends on a monthly basis - I just need to do a better job of reaching out to them and reminding them of how much they are loved and appreciated. I should certainly be able to do that much.

The beauty of friendship is that it can last forever. However, it's not something that will survive on its own. I'm SO grateful for the new friendships I've made, and I want to make sure I invest time into my old friendships like I'm doing with my new ones. If you've read this and someone in your life that you haven't talked to in a while comes to mind, why don't you take some time to reach out to that someone? I know that's what I'm about to do.