As of today, I'm 18 days away from my due date. In some ways, time has gone really slowly these past few months, but in other ways, it has been flying by. I think part of why it feels like it's been moving slowly is because I've been BUSY with my tutoring business this school year. And that's not a complaint - I've felt incredibly blessed by my full schedule! And then of course the reason why it feels like it's been moving quickly is because I already have a child, and she's growing up so dang fast! Emalyn will be 3 in March, but I'd argue that she's quite advanced for her age in many ways. It has been so wonderful seeing her develop and grow, but it's also been very nostalgic. Just a couple of weeks ago, Peter and I were practically tearing up thinking about how Emalyn used to say "da doo" to mean "thank you," and now she's using big words like "moisturizer." Like, who are you and what have you done with my baby girl??
This pregnancy has hit very differently than my first. If I'm completely honest, I would've been perfectly content being a mother of one. Yes, part of that is for silly reasons. For example, since Emalyn has been such a great child overall in terms of her temperament, we're assuming Baby Bear is going to be an absolute terror lol. I would've been happy with just having a child who loves to clean up after herself (and others!) and has pretty good manners. Part of it, though, is that being a parent is significantly harder than I had anticipated. This is mostly because it has made me more aware of personal flaws that I have as a person that hadn't really come to light until I became a mom. And that has been really challenging. It's also really nice that Peter and I outnumber her, so that at any point in time, one of us can take the lead while the other takes a break (this has been especially helpful this trimester when I find myself needing to rest frequently). It has been nice giving Emalyn my undivided attention as well. I'm really going to miss how easy it is to have quality time with her.
So why did I agree to having a second? It was really for Emalyn's benefit. Peter and I both grew up with siblings, and not only do we love them dearly, but we also loved the experience of growing up with them and love having them in our lives today. I didn't want Emalyn to miss out (that was the main reason, though there were several practical reasons for it as well, such as making sure she wouldn't be alone if something happened to us or making sure we didn't unintentionally place all of our expectations and aspirations for our children on her as our only child). And I think we made the right decision because she is SO ecstatic about finally meeting her baby brother. Lately, she's been talking nonstop about how she wants to hold him and feed him (though she initially didn't know the word "feed" so she said she wanted to eat him) and give him his own Leonard (the name of the elephant attached to her pacifier) when he cries. She keeps asking to see him (aka see my belly, particularly my protruding belly button), and she gives him hugs freely. I can't wait to meet him myself, but I'm especially excited for her to meet him (yes, I realize the adjustment period won't all be uphill, but at least things seem promising for the time being!).
In general, I've also experienced more exhaustion and discomfort this pregnancy. Yes, part of the exhaustion is because I'm constantly entertaining a two-year-old this time around, but part of it is just that I haven't been able to sleep through the night in months because of the ache I feel in my hips every time I switch sides. My belly sits lower this time too, so bending down and getting up is a lot harder. It also doesn't help that Emalyn's head is the same height as my belly, and she'll often (accidentally) bump into it when trying to give me a hug lol. And I'll admit, because it's not a brand new experience this time around, I haven't been as diligent with taking photos of my growing belly or keeping my pregnancy book up to date.
But the beauty of pregnancy is that you (the pregnant one) spend up to nine months growing a life inside of you, and as hard or as tiring as it may be, you come to love that life. You can't help it! Especially in the third trimester when he's constantly moving and responding to your voice. Yes, I can honestly say I'm physically tired of being pregnant and ready to not be pregnant anymore, but I can also say that I'm in love with my little guy. I might have originally wanted him for Emalyn's benefit, but it didn't take long at all for me to want him for myself. It has just been so amazing "watching" him grow and develop and to have a bond with him that no one else possibly can. To think that my voice and my touch are the first my little bear has come to know...it's an incredible feeling. I haven't loved every minute of pregnancy, but I have loved knowing every minute of it is bringing me that much closer to finally meeting him. So until the day finally comes when I can properly cuddle him in my arms, I'm simply going to continue to find contentment in caressing my belly, knowing he's there and waiting expectantly for that day too.
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